The Light & Dark: Ultimately, We Choose.
The transition of 2021- 2022 has been quite dark and I can see how I chose that, as a necessary part of my inner understanding. I welcomed the confusion, the emptiness, the dark thoughts and hopelessness. Then a two-week trip back to my husbands and I’s home roots helped me to reflect on my cycles, growth, place and purpose. The challenges were real, but they do not have control over me.
Over the past few days of being back home in Indiana, I felt myself emerging from the darkness. Space to reflect, ground and nourish. I feel I am experiencing life as very expansive, right now. There is no definitive path or end, that there is no one thing I can attach myself to and that the concept of home is evolving into a very new sense of space, time and love.
I have been deeply steeped in the duality of humankind and life itself. Our innate light and dark aspects. They are both essential for life to exist. Embodying who we are is about embracing these aspects within ourselves, but without becoming attached to one or avoid another.
But sometimes we do not see how the light and dark are playing out in ourselves and in our lives. We do not see the cycles and habits that we are perpetuating that are causing us to limit our potential and live in our own personal suffering. I have blamed my life for circumstances, dreamed of a different life, swirled around in “what if’s.” Fell into the trap of believing that it is always “greener on the other side” … well the other side doesn’t quite exist. It is all here NOW. Everything I seek is here NOW. All the joy, abundance, peace, guidance, and love are here NOW.
But how? These above words feel good to read, but is it really embodied?
The other night as I was up with Nala, (my 4-month-old who was screaming). My mind wanted to go down the rabbit hole of fear and disastrous thinking. “Will this baby every sleep?” “How will I get work done?” and fear of time lost and all the dreams of what it was like before Nala was born. (I am obviously very happy Nala is here, but the wildest of thoughts arise when I’m sleep deprived and listening to baby screams). Instead of going down this rabbit hole of despair, my mind quickly cut off connection to the negative thoughts. I decided, on a deep level, that I was not going to give energy to those thoughts anymore.
Our thoughts shape our reality. I realize this even more now. My choosing to focus on the hopelessness and frustration then creates a reality where that exists. My choosing to surrender, see the light, and find playfulness then creates a reality where all of that can exist. It’s not to say that I can just focus on “all things good” and all will come to be. But, rather, no matter what situation I am woven into, there is always the light and I have a choice as to whether I focus on the dark or the light.
I was shown something else about myself recently that revealed a deep truth behind my wanting to control situations and people in my life. I control because I am deeply afraid. Therefore, a sense of control tends to ease the uncomfortability of fear. I’m not sure where the fear is rooted, but it feels like an underlying and pervading presence. It feels there are many layers to this fear and they come from different roots. Overtime, I feel that I have worked with many of my fears and released them, but yet, there still seems to be more.
What I love about this realization is that I am, now, more aware of my controlling behavior than ever before and instead of perpetuating the pattern, I have learned to lean into the discomfort of the unknown, to let go, surrender, witness and allow. There are times that this comes easy and sometimes I am still blind to my own habits. But I pray for truth, clarity, and humility in my life so that I may see myself clearly.
These realizations have found me after a period of darkness. They feel like a flash of light that has initiated me out of a dark time. Every day I must still remember to continue forward. To not slip back in to the old frame of mind/mental habits. But I feel a way forward and am genuinely excited to begin creating again.
I hope this find you well and is a reminder that you can choose too. That we all have the choice to see the light or the dark/truth or ignorance. What do you choose in each moment? Love you all. Thank you for being here with me.